AGONY AUNT

1.
Dear Auntie,
My problem is that I am too tall. At 6 foot 5, I can’t make friends with guys because when they talk to me, they can only see my chest. Now, while my pecs are pretty impressive, having guys stare at them the whole time makes engaging in conversation a real challenge. At school, the guys used to call me “Aerial Andy”, because talking to me would invariably involve staring into the clouds. Even more of a problem is women. All the girls I go for have only my groin at eye-level. This can have its advantages, but most of the time its frustrating because they have to stoop their heads at unforgiving angles just to see my handsome face. Most of my girlfriends have developed chronic arthritis as a result, and have had to move to care homes. All this is immensely bothersome – help!
- Aerial Andy

Dear Aerial, many of us are born with abnormalities that preclude the living of a normal life. Sometimes these abnormalities plague our social lives to the extent that we wonder whether we are fit for normal society. In your case, I suggest joining a travelling circus, where I have no doubt your impressive stature will be given the recognition it rightly deserves.

2.
Dear Auntie,
I recently got proposed to by this really handsome, well-to-do guy. I like him a lot but if I marry him, it will mean having to move abroad and give up my dream job. What do I do?
- Hesitant in Haverford

Dear Hesitant, I can see the pickle you’re in. My suggestion is go for it – get married to the dude. Have your wedding at a fabulously exotic location where only the family will come and the assorted hangers-on and wedding crashers who usually frequent these occasions will be priced out of the market.

3.
Dear Auntie,
What am I to do? I just don’t feel at home anywhere in the world. I went to school in Switzerland, then London, then college in LA and then I went to live in New York. Now Ive supposedly moved back to London and before I know it Ive been shipped off to India for a month on work. Talk about unsettled… I just feel that I haven’t had a chance to lay down my roots anywhere. Am I a lost cause?
- Lost Cause in London

Dear Lost, there are many positives to a footloose and fancy-free lifestyle. Not only have you seen the world and experienced living in many different cultures, but you have also become adaptable – like a good amphibian. However, I take your point about feeling unsettled. My advice is to now stick in London and refuse to travel elsewhere for the next ten years, so that you feel truly settled. Also, perhaps the most important element of getting settled is to endear yourself to the family around you, so that they do their utmost to make you feel at home. The best way of doing this is to suck upto your cousins by buying them extravagant gifts on a regular basis.

4.
Dear Auntie,
I recently had to move to China because of my husband’s work. I gave up all my worldly possessions and began a new life as a monk in the Tibetan plains, while my husband sought self-actualisation in an import/export business. We had a little boy not so long ago and this seemed like the cherry on the cake of our happiness. However, I have begun to encounter problems recently. The little tyke has begun to develop a yellow-ish complexion and, more recently, very narrow eyes. He is at the age where he should be conversing freely with his parents, but he doesn’t seem to have grasped the basics of English. Instead, when I call his name in despair, he merely replies “Sum Ting Wong?”. When I started to put on weight recently, instead of hugging me he reclined, saying “Chin Too Fat”. I had big plans for my boy to become an All-American football player when we return to New York, but things are going horribly awry at this stage. Help!
- Quandary in Qingzhao

Dear Quandary, you have no need to worry. Your boy is merely subject to Darwinian evolution, as we all are. He is developing physical characteristics that are best suited to the environment in which he lives and breathes. You may have to revise your life ambitions for him though – I suggest that you supplant dreams of American football with Table Tennis. Theres an upside to all this - get him acclimatised to the kitchen early, and you will be the recipient of many a sumptuous banquet in the future.

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Like our Agony Aunt’s advice? Got problems of your own? Feel free to leave comments/problems by clicking on the “comments” link below, or, to retain anonymity, e-mail gghw@aol.com.

- GW